As in past years, the U.S. Consumer Product Safety Commission has created a searchable database of emergency room visits around the country. And as in past years, we have trolled the data for the finest examples of insertions showcasing extraordinarily bad luck and/or ingenuity. [Note: Headline has been updated. These are 2012 ER visits.]
Sorted by orifice, working south:
Ear:
SEED
PAINTBRUSH
"SOME BALLS"
SLAG
MAKEUP BRUSH
PATIENT TOLD PARENTS THAT THE CATS STUCK SOMETHING IN HER EAR
GASOLINE
BUTTERFLY
HERSHEY KISS
"CLASSMATE PUT A ROCK IN EAR, HAS PIECE OF PAPER IN OTHER EAR"
Nose:
EAR PLUG
CRAYON
PLASTIC EYEBALL
HEART-SHAPED GEM
DIME
PENNY
NICKEL
AA BATTERIES
SPONGE
SMALL DECORATIVE ROCK
2 ERASERS
MULCH
"PLACED A BEAD IN HER NOSTRIL, PATIENT HAS NO COMPLAINTS"
Throat:
DETERGENT PACK
WHISTLE
ENGAGEMENT RING
"SWALLOWED A QUARTER WHILE TAKING A SHOWER"
"DOING MAGIC TRICK AT SCHOOL & SWALLOWED A QUARTER"
SCHOOL LOGO MAGNET
CONFETTI
SCREW
A TACO
BALL OF STRING
A BEE
Penis:
PENIS PLUG
20-30 MAGNETIC BUCKY BALLS
DICE
FISHTANK AIRHOSE
ANTENNA
SEWING NEEDLE
BB PELLET
"WIDE WOODEN DOWEL"
NAIL
PLASTIC PIPE, DENTAL FLOSS WITH BEADS
WIRE
MARBLE
EMBEDDED DOMINO IN PENIS "TO PLEASE THE LADIES"
Vagina:
GLUE STICK
BARRETTE
SMALL FINGER VIBRATOR–"IT'S STILL ON"
TOILET PAPER
"LONG BLACK OBJECT"
PENIS RING
RIVET
"WORMS COMING OUT OF PEE-PEE"—PINWORMS
SPOON
PENCIL ERASER
PLASTIC BOTTLE OF CREAM (LID STILL ON)
NAPKINS IN VAGINA TO HAVE SEX DURING PERIOD
Rectum:
PENCIL
PENCILS
SHAMPOO BOTTLE
COLOGNE BOTTLE
LOTION JAR
SODA CAN
SODA BOTTLE
FLASHLIGHT
BATHTUB STOPPER
SHOT GLASS (BROKEN)
SOCK
ICE PACK
END OF CURTAIN ROD
"PATIENT STATES HE WAS EXPERIENCING AN ITCHY RECTUM AND INSERTED A REMOTE CONTROL TO SCRATCH"
VIBRATOR
VIBRATOR BATTERY
COVER OF VIBRATOR
TIP OF VIBRATOR
"BIG PURPLE DILDO"
"PATIENT STATES HE GOT DRUNK AND PASSED OUT AT GIRLFRIENDS HOUSE, AWOKE WITH SPOONS AND DILDOS IN RECTUM"
LIGHTER
TOY SUBMARINE
TOOTHBRUSH HOLDER
2 HALVES OF BAR OF SOAP
POOL BALL
LIT BOTTLE ROCKET; "IT DIDN'T GO WELL"